Fantastic Four

Believe it or not, I like reviewing bad movies. It's much more fun to rip into a crappy flick than wax poetic about a good one. So I'll let you know, this isn't an unpleasant review for me to write, although actually watching the Fantastic Four wasn't much fun.

Now, if you've seen the previews for this movie (which, by the way, are more than enough to see of this movie) you know it's based on the Marvel Comic series of the same name. Due to exposure to cosmic radiation while on a scientific mission, four people gain superpowers. Reed Richards, "Mr. Fantastic," is stretchy, Susan Storm, "The Invisible Woman," can make herself invisible and create forcefields, Ben Grimm, "The Thing," is... made of rocks, and Johnny Storm, "The Human Torch," can set himself on fire and fly (while on fire). Will they figure out a way to reverse the effects of the radiation? Will Susan get back together with Reed? Is their nasty financial backer, Viktor Von Doom up to no good? (Well, heck, just look at his name!)

There are a multitude of reasons this movie is bad, but let's start off with the one that bothers me the most: The Invisible Woman, played by Jessica Alba, who is an actress easily on par with the likes of Hilary Duff and all the kids from the Brady Bunch. Susan is a high-ranking scientist (I think--what does plot really matter in this movie?) under Viktor Von Doom, who used to be romantically involved with Reed. Given that she's supposed to be accomplished professionally and in a love triangle with two characters played by men in their thirties, is 24-year-old Alba really the best woman for the role. Was their no perky-breasted 30-year-old who might have, dare I ask it, some trace of acting ability? Alba's skill set seems to involve grinning, and looking worried. I'm betting the 2D, motionless drawings in the comics have a lot more dimension. Her one-tone acting is the most grating of all the movie's many weak points. Fine, I can buy that an intelligent scientist could be a hot young blonde who agrees to wear tight, cleavage-bearing body suits, but it's hard for me to buy that during a scientific mission in space, she'd have time to apply heavy eye shadow, fake lashes, and a heavy coat of lip gloss. I'm just sayin'.

The other lead actors aren't quite so bad. Certainly, Ioan Gruffudd doesn't show much more range than Alba, but his character is at least supposed to be stiff. Michael Chiklis, whose "The Thing" got the short straw when it comes to powers and super-hero names, does earn my one moment of real sympathy, when he breaks a chair in a bar and says "That's not funny" (aw.), but his tired "tough guy" lines must've been written in half-an-hour. Chris Evans gets all the actually funny lines as The Human Torch, but otherwise comes across as such a jerk it's hard to like him much. Rounding off the cast, Julian McMahon does a decent, if standard, "bad guy," but his characters' motivations are flimsy, and his actions surprisingly violent without a transitional period from jerk to psychopath.

Actors aren't all to blame for this, though. The plot is riddled with problems. First off, the pacing is a bit bizarre. There's an interlude in the middle that's like a sitcom--in fact, it reminds me terribly of a few shorts that would be shown on Dexter's Laboratory--a parody sitcom, "Justic Friends," wherein superheroes, Krunk, Valhallen, and Major Glory were three superheroes picked to live in a house and go through the trials of everyday life. But some how, that seemed funnier. There's the predictable romance between Susan and Reed, a few misplaced "X-Games" segments with The Human Torch, and a series of segments basically revolving around The Thing having a hard time eating and drinking--is this a theme or could they just not think of another joke? (And how, exactly, does becoming stone make you need to eat and drink more? Why would you need to eat and drink at all?) All this leaves what seems like a very short amount of time for actually having any sort of contact and conflict with the Bad Guy, ending in a short and anticlimactic final battle (only battle, actually). This has to be the least exciting action movie I've seen in a long, long time.

And I feel the need to mention a couple of scenes that bothered me (no major spoilers, just nit-picking). There's a scene in which Reed, Susan, and Johnny need to get through a crowd of police officers, firefighters, reporters, etc. Reed comments that they'll never get through, but Susan can. Thus a "humor" scene ensues in which Susan has to turn invisible and undress, only to accidentally turn visible again partway through. Cut to a scene where and Susan is pulling on her clothes, saying she can't believe she did that, and Reed comments that at least she got them through. Did I miss something? Because I have no idea how one person turning invisible "got them through." Whatever. How about an earlier scene, where Susan turns invisible for the first time, and then Reed stretches his arm out. They look a little flumoxed. Wouldn't you have a slightly more dramatic reaction to such a thing happening to you and the person sitting across the table? Again, reactions are odd, when, while snowboarding with a "hot nurse," Johnny bursts into flame, burning off his clothes and landing him in a hot-tub like hole from the melted snow. He says, "Care to join me?" and hot nurse smiles. Appropriate reaction for two people who weren't expecting one of them to burst into flame? And on the thread of women portrayed badly, why exactly does Ben Grimm's fiance come running merrily into the dark, city street in a tiny satin nightie? But what disturbs me most (OK, real spoiler ahead!) is why, after trying to hard to "cure" themselves, at the end of the movie they've decided to stick with them. Ben found a blind girlfriend, so he doesn't mind anymore? What about all the speculation that their powers might worsen or be contagious--why not double-check that? Could somebody call maintanence to get these plot holes filled?

Cliche-ridden (yes, there is a point when one gruff character says to the young upstart, "You done good, kid"), meandering, illogical, and unaffecting, it's as if the makers of this movie were banking on the mediocre effects and curvey Alba to pull in the audience without any thought of making it... you know... good. There's no originality in this film, and it feels as if you've heard every line and seen every character somewhere before. Batman Begins and even the Spiderman movies showed how a comic book could make an original, touching, and exciting film. Fantastic Four does not.

Bottom Line: This stiff slog through comic book territory isn't worth your time.